Today, I woke up sleep-deprived. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just feeling super tired. It’s easy to figure out if I’m extremely exhausted—if it’s only ten in the morning and I’ve succumbed to a can of Red Bull and both ears plugged into power beats from Spotify. It seemed that there’s so much to think lately.
So last night, I—being a person who’s destined with an abundance of positive energy, and the responsibility to help however I can—stayed up trying to save a soul, or at least, distract a soul. Sometimes, when you can’t help people who are very, tremendously sad, the best you could do is provide distraction. Cheer him or her up. Talk about things. Lift the mood. Joke naturally here and there. I’m horrible at giving advice, but I do what I think I’m good at—providing positivity to those who need it.
As I drift to bed with my cousin’s arms flying across the bed, I realized that humour and long talks exist for an important reason—it’s a survival tool. It distracts from the darkness that is going to consume us wholly. Humour is like a light—makes you see clearer ahead, but is often disregard in times of darkness.
And from humour, comes many other things. From a funny picture, comes a funny story, and then silly confessions, and then comes the manifestation of crazy hypothetical situations. In the end, the darkness is just there, waiting to consume you again, but in another corner, sat an entire moving picture of funny stories, silly confessions, and crazy hypothetical situations. And then you’d think, “hmm, I’d want to see more of that.”
I used to indulge of the freedom of destroying myself, but since all plans backfired, I continue to indulge in the freedom of destroying myself—only, it comes with another name. Risks. Every plan started with, “I’ll go ahead and do it, I have nothing to lose anyway,” and ended with a window of opportunity or the discovery of something new.
Most of the days, I know well that I’m a patched up person with irreparable cracks, but I continue of live for many things. I live for my musical ideas. I live for the joy of writing and fantasizing. I live for great music and my favourite Coca Cola. I live for the company of family and friends, I live to learn more theoretical physics and I live to read more books. I live to bask in the 5PM sunlight, and I live to have more jamming sessions with my cousins. For more road trips that looked like those lo-fi grainy Tumblr photos. For Pikachu onesies and red velvet cakes. For strolling in the mall in search for a good bomber jacket. For fresh air by the beach, and for the great views overlooking the sea from great heights. For adrenaline rushes when I finally jump off a plane in Dubai one day. For one last performance with a great audience. For meeting Joseph Jonas and Kina Grannis and maybe Kiko Mizuhara. For playing coloured powder during Holi season. For everything else that I have to feel and experience before darkness and age consumes me whole.